Post by Lazy Pete on Aug 13, 2014 0:19:18 GMT -6
In TMBSL, Magic Johnson’s free agency was one of the most anticipated and impactful events of the league’s young life. No less than 16 teams were competing for his services, each with their own specific selling points to woo Earvin away from the Clippers. In the end, the Orlando Magic won out and 15 teams were left scrambling to fill an MVP-sized void.
Thanks to some very illegal cell-phone hacking, I’ve managed to uncover these voicemails left to Magic the night of his decision, made by the GMs of all 16 teams chasing him.
Los Angeles Clippers, GM Dirt
“Magic, baby, think of all we’ve been through. Your MVP season, the all-star games, the league accolades, the annual playoff victory over the Lakers. I know things aren’t looking as bright as they once were. I know I’ve turned over the roster around you 4 times this morning alone, and I thought it would be a good idea to trade away all our future assets to surround you with the cast-offs of the 8-seed Thunder, but that’s only because I know what’s best for you. Come back to Los Angeles, we’ll pay you the most, and I promise when you retire, the owner will be totally cool if you nail his mistress...as long as she doesn’t take any photos with you.”
Charlotte Hornets, GM RV
“Come see what all the buzz in Charlotte is about. We’ve locked up some of the league’s brightest young players to unmoveable contracts, so you don’t have to worry about getting to know new players every couple weeks. I employ a very hands-off style of management, so you’ll pretty much be able to do whatever you want and I won’t even know what happened until a few days later. Plus, have you seen Billy Paultz’s hair?”
Phoenix Suns, GM Ankly
“Listen, all the other GMs in this league are stupid. They laughed when I traded Bowie and three firsts for Ernie Grunfeld. They say that Paul George is a better prospect than Evan Turner. Well I’m here to tell you that together, we’ll prove them wrong. We’ll take these players and trades that no one believes in, and we’ll turn them into all-stars and champions. And, if we can’t, I’ll move you plus a couple firsts to bring in someone who can.”
Milwaukee Bucks, GM Trofie
“Magic, you are a man who can appreciate the power of a strong name. Well there is no name in the league stronger than Champ Godbolt. To be honest with you, I don’t even know if he’s good or not. He’s definitely unique, and I’m sure we could figure that out together. In addition, Milwaukee is from the word Millie-wah-kay, which is Algonquin for ‘the good land’. In other words, WE’RE NOT WORTHY, WE’RE NOT WORTHY!!!”
Seattle Supersonics, GM Vedder
“Hey Magic. We’re really hoping you’ll come play for us. I know that sounds kind of sarcastic, but the only way we are allowed to enjoy things in Seattle is if we like them ironically. You’re sooo good at basketball that I’m offering you this max deal, even though I’ll just trade you in a couple years for Gary Payton. I’ll send you the box set of Frasier on DVD so you can get an idea of how much fun there is to be had here.”
Toronto Raptors, GM Handsome Pete
“Magic, we’ve heard about your, uh, ahem, health condition and I want to assure you that, should you choose to go north of the border, you’ll have access to the finest, free-est healthcare in the NBA. Sure, you’re about to be a mega-millionaire, but here in Canada we believe that all our citizens deserve proper medicine, whether they’re the mayor of Sasketoon or the cashier at a Tim Horton’s. If you don’t want to join us, well that’s fine too. Toodles!”
Hoston Rockets, GM Dilworth
“Earvin, I’ve got three words for you. MIDBEST MIDBEST MIDBEST. Look, I know the cupboard for the Rockets might look a little bare right now, but what I can offer you in Houston is the chance to play for the most ELITE division in all of TMBSL. When one Midbest team wins the title, all Midbest teams win the title, so if you want your best shot at winning a ring, you should sign with us. We’ve got seven chances every season!”
Brooklyn Nets, GM Scatmanduse
“Magic, my man! Forget all these other teams calling up and promising to win championships and build teams around you through skill. Everyone knows the most important part of winning the big one is for lady luck to be on your side, and let me tell you, there’s no one else here who has taken that lady to bed more than yours truly. With your playing skills and the lucky horseshoe I’ve got permanently lodged up my ass, there’s no way we’d lose. Hell, even if you don’t choose Brooklyn you’ll still probably wind up signing here because your agent faxes the contract to the wrong number or something. It’s inevitable.”
Cleveland Cavaliers, GM H/T
“Magic, this just in. People love it when a big name free agent signs with Cleveland. Look at what just happened with LeBron. One of the most hated athletes in the US, then he signs with Cleveland and BAM!, he’s the golden boy again! Now, there may be a lot of TMBSL fans who are upset if you leave the Clippers high and dry this offseason. I’m here to offer you a lifesaver. No one who comes to Cleveland willingly will ever look selfish, because Cleveland is just about the least desirable city in the professional sports world.”
Oklahoma City Thunder, GM JHB
“I’ve got the Boogie fever! And only a little Magic’s gonna cure it! Hey man, you just saw me pull off the heist of the century in my teardown. Not only did I hamstring your old team’s future by firesale-ing them Adrian Dantley, but I pulled off another robbery to get a lottery pick that turned into one of the best big man prospects in the league’s history. Here’s the thing though, I hate tanking and the draft, so here’s where you come in. Please get me out of this godforsaken lottery and let me get beat in the playoffs again. I’m not going to know what to do with myself if you don’t.”
Washington Bullets, GM kn88
“Hey Magic, seeing as how you tend to pop up all over DCs anyway, you should bring your talents here to Washington. Obama promised to provide you with one presidential pardon for any crime below Man 2 as long as you join his pick-up games once a week. Jalen even promised to stop smoking crack, for good this time! Also, I know you’re a bit of a movie guy, so I’m signing a player named Kermit in the hopes that you’ll mistake our contract offer for a cameo offer in the next Muppet movie. I don’t see any way I’ll regret that move.”
Detroit Pistons, GM Tyler
“Uh oh, uh oh, there’s no draftpicks, definitely gonna need my draftpicks. Cap is too tight, definitely going to need my old cap, cap is too tight. My old cap was better, this cap is too tight. Who’s at PG. That’s the man. Who? That’s what I’m telling you. Who’s the man who’s at PG. What’s his name? No, what’s the name of the guy at SF. Uh oh. 5 minutes to Westphal. uh oh.”
Kansas City-Omaha Kings, GM 20/20/20/20
“Hey Magic, just calling to remind you about our handshake deal from earlier this year. After our teams played and I shook your hand to tell you what a good game you played, I shot you that look. You know which one I’m talking about. Well, after Reggie and Sidney and Cliff and Dave all ignored my look and resigned with their teams, I figured I should probably double check to make sure that you knew what you had agreed to. You’re going to love it here in Omaha, trust me.”
Golden State Warriors, GM Devine
“Helllooooo?!? HellooOoOoOo! You think you’re so tough, huh? Well not as tough as AIDS is gonna be after we fuck me in the ass IRL. If we played during my high school days I would’ve been splashing jumpers on you left and right. Speaking of left and right, those are the two types of hooks I’m going to be throwing to your jaw if you don’t sign with me. Do it faggot. We can either be splitting Coors Lights and winning titles, or I can be splitting your lip and pinning you down.”
Utah Jazz, GM 2Poor
“Listen, Gervin was like my son. I raised him. When he left a part of me died. But now, you’re the one. You’re the one who’s going to keep his spirit alive. You’re the one who’s gonna make sure that he didn’t leave for nothing. Now you’re going to have to go through hell, worse than any nightmare you’ve ever dreamed. But in the end, I know you’ll be the one standing. You know what you’ve got to do. Do it.”
Orlando Magic, GM MJ
“Think about this for a second. ‘And now, starting for your Orlando Magic...NUMber 32, MAAAAAgic JOHNSON!!!!’ Doesn’t that sound like a match made in heaven? Well, guess what? This whole franchise has been made in your image. Hell this whole town has been made in your image. Those other teams, they’re probably making a lot of crazy promises to you right now, but I guarantee you none of them will be able to promise that every hat, every jersey, every piece of memorabilia walking through that arena will have your name on it. This was, is, and forever will be your team, and it is destiny for you to lead them. Fulfill your destiny, turn Magic Kingdom into Magic’s Kingdom and rule the basketball world from the throne that is your birthright.”
Thanks to some very illegal cell-phone hacking, I’ve managed to uncover these voicemails left to Magic the night of his decision, made by the GMs of all 16 teams chasing him.
Los Angeles Clippers, GM Dirt
“Magic, baby, think of all we’ve been through. Your MVP season, the all-star games, the league accolades, the annual playoff victory over the Lakers. I know things aren’t looking as bright as they once were. I know I’ve turned over the roster around you 4 times this morning alone, and I thought it would be a good idea to trade away all our future assets to surround you with the cast-offs of the 8-seed Thunder, but that’s only because I know what’s best for you. Come back to Los Angeles, we’ll pay you the most, and I promise when you retire, the owner will be totally cool if you nail his mistress...as long as she doesn’t take any photos with you.”
Charlotte Hornets, GM RV
“Come see what all the buzz in Charlotte is about. We’ve locked up some of the league’s brightest young players to unmoveable contracts, so you don’t have to worry about getting to know new players every couple weeks. I employ a very hands-off style of management, so you’ll pretty much be able to do whatever you want and I won’t even know what happened until a few days later. Plus, have you seen Billy Paultz’s hair?”
Phoenix Suns, GM Ankly
“Listen, all the other GMs in this league are stupid. They laughed when I traded Bowie and three firsts for Ernie Grunfeld. They say that Paul George is a better prospect than Evan Turner. Well I’m here to tell you that together, we’ll prove them wrong. We’ll take these players and trades that no one believes in, and we’ll turn them into all-stars and champions. And, if we can’t, I’ll move you plus a couple firsts to bring in someone who can.”
Milwaukee Bucks, GM Trofie
“Magic, you are a man who can appreciate the power of a strong name. Well there is no name in the league stronger than Champ Godbolt. To be honest with you, I don’t even know if he’s good or not. He’s definitely unique, and I’m sure we could figure that out together. In addition, Milwaukee is from the word Millie-wah-kay, which is Algonquin for ‘the good land’. In other words, WE’RE NOT WORTHY, WE’RE NOT WORTHY!!!”
Seattle Supersonics, GM Vedder
“Hey Magic. We’re really hoping you’ll come play for us. I know that sounds kind of sarcastic, but the only way we are allowed to enjoy things in Seattle is if we like them ironically. You’re sooo good at basketball that I’m offering you this max deal, even though I’ll just trade you in a couple years for Gary Payton. I’ll send you the box set of Frasier on DVD so you can get an idea of how much fun there is to be had here.”
Toronto Raptors, GM Handsome Pete
“Magic, we’ve heard about your, uh, ahem, health condition and I want to assure you that, should you choose to go north of the border, you’ll have access to the finest, free-est healthcare in the NBA. Sure, you’re about to be a mega-millionaire, but here in Canada we believe that all our citizens deserve proper medicine, whether they’re the mayor of Sasketoon or the cashier at a Tim Horton’s. If you don’t want to join us, well that’s fine too. Toodles!”
Hoston Rockets, GM Dilworth
“Earvin, I’ve got three words for you. MIDBEST MIDBEST MIDBEST. Look, I know the cupboard for the Rockets might look a little bare right now, but what I can offer you in Houston is the chance to play for the most ELITE division in all of TMBSL. When one Midbest team wins the title, all Midbest teams win the title, so if you want your best shot at winning a ring, you should sign with us. We’ve got seven chances every season!”
Brooklyn Nets, GM Scatmanduse
“Magic, my man! Forget all these other teams calling up and promising to win championships and build teams around you through skill. Everyone knows the most important part of winning the big one is for lady luck to be on your side, and let me tell you, there’s no one else here who has taken that lady to bed more than yours truly. With your playing skills and the lucky horseshoe I’ve got permanently lodged up my ass, there’s no way we’d lose. Hell, even if you don’t choose Brooklyn you’ll still probably wind up signing here because your agent faxes the contract to the wrong number or something. It’s inevitable.”
Cleveland Cavaliers, GM H/T
“Magic, this just in. People love it when a big name free agent signs with Cleveland. Look at what just happened with LeBron. One of the most hated athletes in the US, then he signs with Cleveland and BAM!, he’s the golden boy again! Now, there may be a lot of TMBSL fans who are upset if you leave the Clippers high and dry this offseason. I’m here to offer you a lifesaver. No one who comes to Cleveland willingly will ever look selfish, because Cleveland is just about the least desirable city in the professional sports world.”
Oklahoma City Thunder, GM JHB
“I’ve got the Boogie fever! And only a little Magic’s gonna cure it! Hey man, you just saw me pull off the heist of the century in my teardown. Not only did I hamstring your old team’s future by firesale-ing them Adrian Dantley, but I pulled off another robbery to get a lottery pick that turned into one of the best big man prospects in the league’s history. Here’s the thing though, I hate tanking and the draft, so here’s where you come in. Please get me out of this godforsaken lottery and let me get beat in the playoffs again. I’m not going to know what to do with myself if you don’t.”
Washington Bullets, GM kn88
“Hey Magic, seeing as how you tend to pop up all over DCs anyway, you should bring your talents here to Washington. Obama promised to provide you with one presidential pardon for any crime below Man 2 as long as you join his pick-up games once a week. Jalen even promised to stop smoking crack, for good this time! Also, I know you’re a bit of a movie guy, so I’m signing a player named Kermit in the hopes that you’ll mistake our contract offer for a cameo offer in the next Muppet movie. I don’t see any way I’ll regret that move.”
Detroit Pistons, GM Tyler
“Uh oh, uh oh, there’s no draftpicks, definitely gonna need my draftpicks. Cap is too tight, definitely going to need my old cap, cap is too tight. My old cap was better, this cap is too tight. Who’s at PG. That’s the man. Who? That’s what I’m telling you. Who’s the man who’s at PG. What’s his name? No, what’s the name of the guy at SF. Uh oh. 5 minutes to Westphal. uh oh.”
Kansas City-Omaha Kings, GM 20/20/20/20
“Hey Magic, just calling to remind you about our handshake deal from earlier this year. After our teams played and I shook your hand to tell you what a good game you played, I shot you that look. You know which one I’m talking about. Well, after Reggie and Sidney and Cliff and Dave all ignored my look and resigned with their teams, I figured I should probably double check to make sure that you knew what you had agreed to. You’re going to love it here in Omaha, trust me.”
Golden State Warriors, GM Devine
“Helllooooo?!? HellooOoOoOo! You think you’re so tough, huh? Well not as tough as AIDS is gonna be after we fuck me in the ass IRL. If we played during my high school days I would’ve been splashing jumpers on you left and right. Speaking of left and right, those are the two types of hooks I’m going to be throwing to your jaw if you don’t sign with me. Do it faggot. We can either be splitting Coors Lights and winning titles, or I can be splitting your lip and pinning you down.”
Utah Jazz, GM 2Poor
“Listen, Gervin was like my son. I raised him. When he left a part of me died. But now, you’re the one. You’re the one who’s going to keep his spirit alive. You’re the one who’s gonna make sure that he didn’t leave for nothing. Now you’re going to have to go through hell, worse than any nightmare you’ve ever dreamed. But in the end, I know you’ll be the one standing. You know what you’ve got to do. Do it.”
Orlando Magic, GM MJ
“Think about this for a second. ‘And now, starting for your Orlando Magic...NUMber 32, MAAAAAgic JOHNSON!!!!’ Doesn’t that sound like a match made in heaven? Well, guess what? This whole franchise has been made in your image. Hell this whole town has been made in your image. Those other teams, they’re probably making a lot of crazy promises to you right now, but I guarantee you none of them will be able to promise that every hat, every jersey, every piece of memorabilia walking through that arena will have your name on it. This was, is, and forever will be your team, and it is destiny for you to lead them. Fulfill your destiny, turn Magic Kingdom into Magic’s Kingdom and rule the basketball world from the throne that is your birthright.”
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