Post by eric on Mar 25, 2015 13:25:45 GMT -6
Scene: a conference room in Madison Square Garden. Instead of a table and chairs, the only furniture is a desk covered with a tablecloth.
James Dolan - Chief President and Executive General Manager
Thank you all for coming. I know some of you have expressed concerns about our executive vacancies in private conversations with each other, and to put those to rest I'd like to introduce our new Chief Operating President.
Kristin Dolan - his wife
Hello everyone!
Leo Hindery - Chairman of Cablevision board
Your father would not approve.
James Dolan
Shaddap. We've had a lot of issues with injuries these past couple seasons. But as always, your Chief President and Executive General Manager has the solution. After staying up all night on Craigslist I've found the ideal consultant.
Aleksandr Ruslanyova Kluszewiczski-Peña
Ja. Guut evenink, Herr Dolan, gentlemen und ladies. I am Aleksandr Ruslanyova Kluszewiczski-Peña.
Steve Rattner - Cablevision board member
Peña?
Aleksandr Ruslanyova Kluszewiczski-Peña
Pain? Nein. Peña? Ja.
Bruce Koplow - assistant to the General Manager
(playing a blues progression in E) Hey Alex, man, how's it hanging?
Aleksandr Ruslanyova Kluszewiczski-Peña
Ve prefer Aleksssssandr, danke.
Steve Rattner
But why does the Russian guy have a German accent?
James Dolan
We could sit here with our thumbs up our asses trying to figure that out, or we could get to the point. Dr. Klushe... Dr. Kloo... he brought me a tablet written by the prophet Sakkunyaton. Do you have a prehistoric tablet, smart guy? Huh? Do you?
Steve Rattner
That's an iPad.
James Dolan
That's right, I'm the only one with an ancient prophecy, my dad owns a dealership, I get to talk now, and it says...
Then said Mighty Baal:
Foes of my Dad why haste ye?
Why haste ye opponents of Dolan?
You get it? You see what I'm getting at? Our problem isn't a lack of "actual doctors" or that the maintenance of our training facilities is "criminally negligent" or that our front office is "comically inept", it's old time religion! I've talked this over with legal, and they agree that I can force all MSG employees to worship Baal.
Anucha Browne Sanders - Vice President, Legal Department
That's definitely, definitely not what I said.
James Dolan
Honey, the men are talking.
Anucha Browne Sanders
(scowls)
Leo Hindery
Your father would not approve.
James Dolan
I'll prove it to you assholes. Doctor?
Aleksandr Ruslanyova Kluszewiczski-Peña
Ja. Ve prepare ze sacrifice, ja? Two, sree minutes, ze fire falls from zer sky und consumes ze offerink.
Steve Rattner
Seriously, why does the Russian guy have a German accent?
Bruce Koplow
(continued noodling on the guitar) Hey man, you gotta just let it ride, you know what I'm saying?
James Dolan
And I've got the perfect offering right here. The prophecy demands the blood of brothers and the blood of a traitor. You might have heard we were in talks to acquire Dan Langhi, but that was all a clever ruse. We just needed to get him in our facility for a workout, Taylor Swift's sweet stroke from the three point line would give him a nose bleed, and we would break open his locker and steal his used jock strap. As for the traitor... honey, cover your ears.
Kristin Dolan
(covers her ears)
James Dolan
That piece of **** mother****er Walton thought he got the last **** laugh with his bull**** non-retirement but who's laughing now? Ha ha ha! Who's laughing... everyone start laughing, God **** it.
all
(awkwardly forced laughter)
James Dolan
Ha ha ha!!! Now we just put his jersey on the altar like so...
(places a game used Bill Walton jersey with the nameplate crossed out and "***hole" written above)
...and we wait to see if Lord Baal will hear us. Steve, would you care to lead us in prayer?
Steve Rattner
James, I really don't want any part of this.
James Dolan
Oh no, what's that! Everyone look behind you! Keep looking until I say so, or you're all fired.
(when they turn, he pours gasoline on the jersey and lights it)
Ohh!! Lord Baal has heard our prayers!
Aleksandr Ruslanyova Kluszewiczski-Peña
Mein Gott! Ein Wunder!
Anucha Browne Sanders
You haven't even hidden the gas can. It's still sitting right there.
James Dolan
Sweetheart, go clean out your desk. You're history.
Anucha Browne Sanders
That WAS my desk!
James Dolan
Then just shaddap!
(the sprinkler system goes off)
Another miracle! As it was written many millions of years ago...
To the earth Baal rained,
to the field rained Khalid.
Sweet to the earth was Baal's rain,
to the field the rain of Khalid.
Aleksandr Ruslanyova Kluszewiczski-Peña
Wait... this isn't water. Is this blood? This wasn't in the contract.
James Dolan
Stay in character, dammit! They're starting to buy it! Bathing in goat's blood is a critical part of the ritual I wrote!
Leo Hindery
Your father would not approve.
Bruce Koplow
Hey man my amp is not feeling this precipitation, you dig?
James Dolan
Go acoustic!
Leo Hindery
Your father would not approve.
James Dolan
You're all fired! Everyone's fired but me! I built this company up from nothing and I can do it again! You all just get the **** out of here! If I could trade you bums for Dan Langhi I would! I'm James Dolan!!!
James Dolan - Chief President and Executive General Manager
Thank you all for coming. I know some of you have expressed concerns about our executive vacancies in private conversations with each other, and to put those to rest I'd like to introduce our new Chief Operating President.
Kristin Dolan - his wife
Hello everyone!
Leo Hindery - Chairman of Cablevision board
Your father would not approve.
James Dolan
Shaddap. We've had a lot of issues with injuries these past couple seasons. But as always, your Chief President and Executive General Manager has the solution. After staying up all night on Craigslist I've found the ideal consultant.
Aleksandr Ruslanyova Kluszewiczski-Peña
Ja. Guut evenink, Herr Dolan, gentlemen und ladies. I am Aleksandr Ruslanyova Kluszewiczski-Peña.
Steve Rattner - Cablevision board member
Peña?
Aleksandr Ruslanyova Kluszewiczski-Peña
Pain? Nein. Peña? Ja.
Bruce Koplow - assistant to the General Manager
(playing a blues progression in E) Hey Alex, man, how's it hanging?
Aleksandr Ruslanyova Kluszewiczski-Peña
Ve prefer Aleksssssandr, danke.
Steve Rattner
But why does the Russian guy have a German accent?
James Dolan
We could sit here with our thumbs up our asses trying to figure that out, or we could get to the point. Dr. Klushe... Dr. Kloo... he brought me a tablet written by the prophet Sakkunyaton. Do you have a prehistoric tablet, smart guy? Huh? Do you?
Steve Rattner
That's an iPad.
James Dolan
That's right, I'm the only one with an ancient prophecy, my dad owns a dealership, I get to talk now, and it says...
Then said Mighty Baal:
Foes of my Dad why haste ye?
Why haste ye opponents of Dolan?
You get it? You see what I'm getting at? Our problem isn't a lack of "actual doctors" or that the maintenance of our training facilities is "criminally negligent" or that our front office is "comically inept", it's old time religion! I've talked this over with legal, and they agree that I can force all MSG employees to worship Baal.
Anucha Browne Sanders - Vice President, Legal Department
That's definitely, definitely not what I said.
James Dolan
Honey, the men are talking.
Anucha Browne Sanders
(scowls)
Leo Hindery
Your father would not approve.
James Dolan
I'll prove it to you assholes. Doctor?
Aleksandr Ruslanyova Kluszewiczski-Peña
Ja. Ve prepare ze sacrifice, ja? Two, sree minutes, ze fire falls from zer sky und consumes ze offerink.
Steve Rattner
Seriously, why does the Russian guy have a German accent?
Bruce Koplow
(continued noodling on the guitar) Hey man, you gotta just let it ride, you know what I'm saying?
James Dolan
And I've got the perfect offering right here. The prophecy demands the blood of brothers and the blood of a traitor. You might have heard we were in talks to acquire Dan Langhi, but that was all a clever ruse. We just needed to get him in our facility for a workout, Taylor Swift's sweet stroke from the three point line would give him a nose bleed, and we would break open his locker and steal his used jock strap. As for the traitor... honey, cover your ears.
Kristin Dolan
(covers her ears)
James Dolan
That piece of **** mother****er Walton thought he got the last **** laugh with his bull**** non-retirement but who's laughing now? Ha ha ha! Who's laughing... everyone start laughing, God **** it.
all
(awkwardly forced laughter)
James Dolan
Ha ha ha!!! Now we just put his jersey on the altar like so...
(places a game used Bill Walton jersey with the nameplate crossed out and "***hole" written above)
...and we wait to see if Lord Baal will hear us. Steve, would you care to lead us in prayer?
Steve Rattner
James, I really don't want any part of this.
James Dolan
Oh no, what's that! Everyone look behind you! Keep looking until I say so, or you're all fired.
(when they turn, he pours gasoline on the jersey and lights it)
Ohh!! Lord Baal has heard our prayers!
Aleksandr Ruslanyova Kluszewiczski-Peña
Mein Gott! Ein Wunder!
Anucha Browne Sanders
You haven't even hidden the gas can. It's still sitting right there.
James Dolan
Sweetheart, go clean out your desk. You're history.
Anucha Browne Sanders
That WAS my desk!
James Dolan
Then just shaddap!
(the sprinkler system goes off)
Another miracle! As it was written many millions of years ago...
To the earth Baal rained,
to the field rained Khalid.
Sweet to the earth was Baal's rain,
to the field the rain of Khalid.
Aleksandr Ruslanyova Kluszewiczski-Peña
Wait... this isn't water. Is this blood? This wasn't in the contract.
James Dolan
Stay in character, dammit! They're starting to buy it! Bathing in goat's blood is a critical part of the ritual I wrote!
Leo Hindery
Your father would not approve.
Bruce Koplow
Hey man my amp is not feeling this precipitation, you dig?
James Dolan
Go acoustic!
Leo Hindery
Your father would not approve.
James Dolan
You're all fired! Everyone's fired but me! I built this company up from nothing and I can do it again! You all just get the **** out of here! If I could trade you bums for Dan Langhi I would! I'm James Dolan!!!
