Post by Lazy Pete on Jun 15, 2016 11:02:45 GMT -6
With the impending FA bonanza targeting the player who is already my all-time favorite in sim league, I decided to devise an easy-to-reference index for just how mad I will be if he should turn his back on the country of Canada.
Atlanta Hawks - Mad Rating: 5 Vedders after he's been drinking
I have a lot to thank Duc for. He's the one who reached out to me to invite me into sim league in the first place, and he's the one who traded me Bill Walton, which was the first major move I made in the league that didn't involve anal rape. He's also a good dude to talk basketball with. If Webber went to the ATL, I would mail him a box of shit. Probably not even my shit. You're getting off with a warning this time, bub.
New Jersey Nets - Mad Rating: 6 Bankz's defending Joe Paterno's legacy
Heebs may be a villain for a lot of GMs in the league, but he's a good guy. He also got dealt a shitty break last season with his own big name FA departing, so you can't say Karma isn't on his side. And he had KG, so I know Webber would be going to someone who would know how to maximize his talent. But at the end of the day, mad is mad. If Webber went to New Jersey, I would force Heebs to sit through the Indiana-UNC Sweet Sixteen game every day for a year.
Phoenix Suns - Mad Rating: 7 Druces whose draft grades are being criticized
Ank is a member of team #purpleboard, and Shaq and Webber would be a devastating front court duo. But this fuckboi hasn't even written a Ghostface Ankly article in over 2 years. The worst part is Webber probably wouldn't even have wanted it. Ank probably preyed on him like Jared Fogle at a Chuck E. Cheese. If this registered sim offender manages to take Webber, I'm hurling a meteor at this planet to extinguish all life.
New York Knicks - Mad Rating: 7.75 Threads about Jesse Epstein
Eric was fun when he was a harmless weirdo telling us about quirks in the software while landing somewhere between 30 and 45 wins. But after that fateful day thatJFK was shot Jesse Epstein was born, America lost its innocence. If Webber went to those country bumpkin, Baal-slurping troglodites in New York, I would end up spending the rest of my days trying to piece together the conspiracy for how Eric rigged it to happen. I would wear tinfoil hats and use miles of yarn connecting the dots and exposing him for what he truly is. And then I would microwave his circuit boards and drill holes into his hard drives.
Chicago Bulls - Mad Rating: 8 Bruns's in Chicago after a Raptors title
Bruns already has Jimmy Jackson and is apparently getting Mystic Stone. He also had a solid decade w/ Oscar and Emeka. And I haven't forgotten about him taking advantage of my naivete and getting me to include JR Smith in a trade we'd already agreed to just because it was clear Luol was garbage. I know you wanted me to lose to Ank so Oscar could get a ring, you jerk! If the Bulls got Webber, I would re-criminalize marijuana.
Warriors - Mad Rating: 9 SPLs drunk off Jameson
Taco just got a break with Lockhart's signing and jumping to one for Wilkins. He continues to screw up good things, like trading Rowdy for free, dealing the Finals MVP for a bunch of picks in the late 20s, and dealing a #1 overall pick three sims into a season. I tried to gift wrap him Templeton and Russell for Beasley and a 1st and he turned me down for Frank "old as dirt" Selvy. Webber going here would mean that I'd have to watch him suck for a few seasons only to be traded away to a quality GM for peanuts. If Webber goes to Golden State, I'm strapping taco to a chair and making him play Madden for eternity, always losing on a kick return safety on the last play of the game.
Pacers - 10 Dumpflowers in full bloom
Webber's hometown team (
) is the Bermuda triangle of sim league. Players who go there are never heard from again. I feel confident that Webber would eventually find happiness again in every instance except this one. He'd probably end up sitting behind Anthony Avent and Arvydas Sabonis as the Pacers march on to another mid-lotto pick. If Webber went to Indiana, I'd get tattoos on my knuckles that spelled "Love" and "Hate", strap myself to the bottom of JW's car, and trap him and his family in a vacation hideaway where I could slowly exact my revenge, Cape Fear-style.
Atlanta Hawks - Mad Rating: 5 Vedders after he's been drinking
I have a lot to thank Duc for. He's the one who reached out to me to invite me into sim league in the first place, and he's the one who traded me Bill Walton, which was the first major move I made in the league that didn't involve anal rape. He's also a good dude to talk basketball with. If Webber went to the ATL, I would mail him a box of shit. Probably not even my shit. You're getting off with a warning this time, bub.
New Jersey Nets - Mad Rating: 6 Bankz's defending Joe Paterno's legacy
Heebs may be a villain for a lot of GMs in the league, but he's a good guy. He also got dealt a shitty break last season with his own big name FA departing, so you can't say Karma isn't on his side. And he had KG, so I know Webber would be going to someone who would know how to maximize his talent. But at the end of the day, mad is mad. If Webber went to New Jersey, I would force Heebs to sit through the Indiana-UNC Sweet Sixteen game every day for a year.
Phoenix Suns - Mad Rating: 7 Druces whose draft grades are being criticized
Ank is a member of team #purpleboard, and Shaq and Webber would be a devastating front court duo. But this fuckboi hasn't even written a Ghostface Ankly article in over 2 years. The worst part is Webber probably wouldn't even have wanted it. Ank probably preyed on him like Jared Fogle at a Chuck E. Cheese. If this registered sim offender manages to take Webber, I'm hurling a meteor at this planet to extinguish all life.
New York Knicks - Mad Rating: 7.75 Threads about Jesse Epstein
Eric was fun when he was a harmless weirdo telling us about quirks in the software while landing somewhere between 30 and 45 wins. But after that fateful day that
Chicago Bulls - Mad Rating: 8 Bruns's in Chicago after a Raptors title
Bruns already has Jimmy Jackson and is apparently getting Mystic Stone. He also had a solid decade w/ Oscar and Emeka. And I haven't forgotten about him taking advantage of my naivete and getting me to include JR Smith in a trade we'd already agreed to just because it was clear Luol was garbage. I know you wanted me to lose to Ank so Oscar could get a ring, you jerk! If the Bulls got Webber, I would re-criminalize marijuana.
Warriors - Mad Rating: 9 SPLs drunk off Jameson
Taco just got a break with Lockhart's signing and jumping to one for Wilkins. He continues to screw up good things, like trading Rowdy for free, dealing the Finals MVP for a bunch of picks in the late 20s, and dealing a #1 overall pick three sims into a season. I tried to gift wrap him Templeton and Russell for Beasley and a 1st and he turned me down for Frank "old as dirt" Selvy. Webber going here would mean that I'd have to watch him suck for a few seasons only to be traded away to a quality GM for peanuts. If Webber goes to Golden State, I'm strapping taco to a chair and making him play Madden for eternity, always losing on a kick return safety on the last play of the game.
Pacers - 10 Dumpflowers in full bloom
Webber's hometown team (
) is the Bermuda triangle of sim league. Players who go there are never heard from again. I feel confident that Webber would eventually find happiness again in every instance except this one. He'd probably end up sitting behind Anthony Avent and Arvydas Sabonis as the Pacers march on to another mid-lotto pick. If Webber went to Indiana, I'd get tattoos on my knuckles that spelled "Love" and "Hate", strap myself to the bottom of JW's car, and trap him and his family in a vacation hideaway where I could slowly exact my revenge, Cape Fear-style.
i haven't been this hot under the collar since that time kina wore short shorts to a magazine photoshoot
