Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 23:02:32 GMT -6
Boston Celtics as The Ohio State University Buckeyes
I mean the East is pretty much an one team conference right now. The B1G is pretty much an one team conference most years. The Boston Celtics are the premier team in the Eastern Conference, but they can't really match up against the best teams in the West. Ohio State is the premier team in the B1G, but when they go up against other top teams from superior conferences such as the SEC and the ACC they don't match up very well. Ohio State has some of the most annoying, cockiest, douchebagiest fans in all of college football. Boston Celtics' GM dumptime 5000 is probably the most annoying, cockiest, douchebagiest GM in the league. Ohio State fans love them some CUM and coincidentally some GMs say dumptime 5000 likes the other version of CUM as well. Finally, my dad is from Ohio, and I am a fan of the Cleveland Browns, so this only makes sense.
Chicago Bulls as the Michigan State University Spartans
I mean this is only right, right? Michigan State defeated an undefeated The Ohio State University in the B1G Championship and afterwards CUM ate some pizza and drowned in his tears. In Odin's Fake Sim of 3003, Bruns' Chicago Bulls defeated Dumptime's Boston Celtics 72 win team in the Eastern Conference Finals. Michigan State is probably the most well rounded team in the B1G and best to defeat the giant. Bruns' core of strong big men down low and other players are probably the best team to take on the Mighty Celtics in the Eastern Conference. Bruns is usually pretty consistently good in the East and when he tanks, he really tanks. Michigan State is usually pretty consistent in the B1G and when they suck they have a coach like John L. Smith. Plus Bruns is a cunt so it fits.
Detroit Pistons as the University of Wisconsin Badgers
What is one thing people fear about with Wisconsin? Their reloading of stud running backs every single season. What is the one thing people fear about the Detroit Pistons? Paul Westphal the God. You know what you are getting with Wisconsin, a elite running game, a stout defense, and a poor passing attack. With the Pistons you know what you are getting, Paul Westphal dominating the league at PG, Bob Dandridge and Leon Douglas causing damage on the wings, and a very poor frontcourt. There are sometimes I feel like Tyler is Barry Alvarez, like that time he beat the Jazz for the TMBSL title. And then there are times I feel he is more like Bert. Like those times I see him post a DC or sometimes when I see a trade or trade offer from him. Plus he doesn't even know how to use Google, and I bet Bert doesn't know how either.
Milwaukee Bucks as the University of Nebraska-Lincoln Cornhuskers
I really didn't want to put Trofie as Nebraska damnit. Trofie and the Milwaukee Bucks are one of the most prestigious franchises in all of the Eastern Conference. The Nebraska Cornhuskers are probably up there with Ohio State and Michigan in prestige in the B1G. Nebraska has fallen on some dark times lately. The Bucks are currently in tank mode. The Huskers decided to tank their football program when they hired Bo Pelini as head football coach and went on to lose 4 football games every single season for the rest of his tenure. The Bucks finally gave in and quit when the Boston Celtics got lucky in FA and went on to dominate the Bucks in the 2nd round of playoffs in 5 games. Now will the Huskers ever be back to being one of college football's elite programs? Maybe if they get rid of Bo and hire a non-retard as head coach. Will the Bucks ever be back to competing with the Celtics for top spot in the East? Hopefully they get some lotto luck and get MJ or Barkley....
Charlotte Hornets as the University of Michigan Wolverines
Damnit I just realized RV is a Michigan "fan". Michigan is famous for having all these great seasons and falling flat when it matters. Last season, the Charlotte Hornets were the top overall seed in the Eastern Conference. I'll let you guess what happens next..... Yup thats right they lost in the 2nd round to the Brooklyn Nets. First of all they are playing one of the top autopicks of all time in John CompuWilliamson at SG, much like Michigan tried to play Devin Gardner at QB for much of last season. Then in this past offseason, RV gave out a 7 year MAX contract to good but not great big man Billy Paultz, who so far in 4 games this season, has averaged a whopping 10 pts 9 rebs a game with 2 blocks a game to add with it. Not exactly screaming MAX worthy. Michigan, on the other hand, decided to give extremely average head coach Brady Hoke a 6 year contract worth $18 million. Both of these teams are willing to pay high prices for mediocre results.
Indiana Pacers as the University of Iowa Hawkeyes
Hopefully Ocho doesn't get fired at Iowa State for this. The Iowa Hawkeyes are a pretty steadily mediocre college football team. The Indiana Pacers are a pretty steadily mediocre franchise right now in TMBSL. The Pacers like to fight for the 5-6-7-8 seeds in the playoffs. The Hawkeyes like to fight for some shitty NYD bowls against far superior SEC teams, such as the LSU Tigers. You get the same feeling if you look at both of their rosters. Just a shrug of the shoulders and saying "eh" is good enough. Sure the Pacers have superstar Jamaal Wilkes leading them. But Iowa also had superstar QB Brad Banks lead them to an Orange Bowl way back in the day. The Iowa Hawkeyes are paying slightly average head coach Kirk Ferentz an awful lot of money to stay mediocrely bad. And I can only assume Ocho is over the soft cap for the dangerous 5-8 seed. But maybe one day Iowa can finally beat Nebraska and Ocho can break through that 5 seed barrier!
Brooklyn Nets as the Penn State University Nittany Lions
Scat is the luckiest GM in the league's history. Penn State is also somewhat lucky. Sure they got caught being pedos and enabling child molestation, thus forcing the NCAA to hammer them with the pseudo death penalty. But they were lucky enough to find a hidden gem within the coaching ranks in Bill O'Brien or COB for short. Scat was lucky enough to have the only superstar (Moses Malone) to resign with their original team in resignings during the great FA disaster of 3002. COB found Penn State's savior and new football jesus in Christian Hackenberg, a 5* QB out of HS, and he then started the season at QB for Penn State, and led them to a respectable record. Scat's luck once again helped him out when he jumped way up in the draft lotto to select stud big man Neon Boudeaux to team up with Moses Malone and together with some help they took the Nets all the way to the Eastern Conference Finals only to lose to the overwhelming favorite Boston Celtics in a sweep. Scat is trying to catapult himself even more up the Eastern Conference buy trying to make his team better this season. After COB left, Penn State catapulted itself up the B1G ladder by hiring successful SEC African American head coach James Franklin to lead them and build off of what COB built in that short amount of time.
Atlanta Hawks as Rutgers University Scarlet Knights
I mean who really likes Rutgers? Even before their first season as a B1G member, I don't recall any of the B1G fanbases rejoicing the fact that fucking Rutgers is in their conference. I mean who really likes RW? Even before Odin brought him on as a GM without asking anybody if they wanted him, I don't recall any GM, not even the newbies, saying "Yes! RW is in the league!" Rutgers is chock full of guido faggots who like to get hammered and hammer their fists into young, defenseless girls' faces. RW is just a plain faggot who likes to get stoned and send gay snapchats about how he likes 18 inches of cock in his mouth. As a team, the Atlanta Hawks are pretty average except for having superstar John Drew left on the team from the days when a respectable GM was running the team. At one point in time, Rutgers was a fairly average team that superstar RB Ray Rice was surrounded by. Just like we felt bad for Ray Rice when he was at Rutgers (before he beat his woman unconscious), we feel bad that a stud like John Drew is stuck on the Hawks because RW doesn't know how to GM a team.
Miami Heat as the Purdue University Boilermakers
Remember back in the day when Purdue was a fairly decent, exciting football team to watch? I mean coach Joe Tiller groomed such great coaches like Kevin Sumlin and churned out bowl team after bowl team. A young Drew Brees with the biggest facial mole in the history of the world was the late 90s version of Johnny Manziel. I mean even after that Kyle Orton was a pretty decent college QB for them. Now remember back in the day when the Miami Heat used to compete for the Atlantic? When Bob McAdoo was actually a MVP caliber player putting up monster stats. Then it all went to hell. Tiller retired and Purdue hired a Larry Coker type head coach. Canes sold his team away for scraps. Purdue got desperate enough to hire a black coach from a MAC school and had to rely on a Miami transfer QB named Robert Marve. I mean at least Canes has DJ Khaled lighting the league on fire and making the IanBoyd's dreams come true. I don't think Purdue can even say that.
Cleveland Cavaliers as the University of Illinois Fighting Illini
Illinois used to be decent once. They actually went to a Rose Bowl somewhere in the 2000s. On the back of newly retired NFL RB Rashard Mendenhall. The Cleveland Cavaliers was this league's first Eastern Conference Champion. Everything was so bright for the Illini/Cavs. Ron Zook wasn't even that bad as Illini HC, at least he brought talent in like Arrelious Benn. But they fired Ron Zook and hired MAC legend Tim Beckman as head coach. Never in a million years would I think there was a coach worse than Ron Zook. Tim Beckman is that coach. I mean Heel got Artis Gilmore to resign after the first free agency so nothing bad was gonna happen right? And then came the infamous Free Agency of 3002. Heel was sweating bullets as star PF Bob Lanier gave him no warning signs that he was unhappy in the city of Cleveland. Then it happened. The Decision of 3002 happened as Bob Lanier left Heel and the Cleveland Cavaliers for greener pastures in Boston alongside Alvan Adams. Thus the Cavs Empire crumbled. Like the Illini football program crumbled when they hired Tim Beckman.
The Toronto Raptors as the University of Maryland Terrapins
Maryland is the other new team in the B1G this season. Handsome Pete is a new GM to this league. I'm not saying Handsome Pete is Maryland. Pete is a million times better than Maryland is as an addition. See, Maryland left the ACC with major debt due to the ACC giving them some major exit fees. Handsome Pete came to Toronto when the team was in major debt due to former GM Bankz handing out some pretty hefty contracts. All in all, they are both pretty terrible as teams are concerned. The ACC raped Maryland with exit fees, and I mean raped no lube and no warning when they slip it up the butthole. Two of Pete's first trades were pretty bad rapes due to some overzealous GMs trying to take advantage of a rookie GM. Toronto's best years were close to .500 but out of the playoffs as a 9 seed and that pretty much describes Maryland, who's best seasons are most likely 6-6 and either a shitty bowl or no bowl at all.
Orlando Magic as the University of Indiana Hoosiers
Both of these teams have been pretty shitty since the start of 4.0. Both have pretty shitty luck. Indiana I think hasn't had a winning record since forever. The Orlando Magic are far away from becoming a legit playoff team. Indiana did have a decent coach at one time, but it turned out he died before he really could do anything. The Magic keep getting decent lotto odds only to be knocked down to the worst spot in the draft. Like #3 in a 2 player draft, #4 in a 3 player draft, etc. It is frustrating MJ so much he is thinking about quitting, but we will never let that happen. I'm sure Indiana has thought about quitting their football program a time or two since they are all in on basketball in the state of Indiana. I've heard nice things about Bloomington, IN, where the Hoosiers are located. I'm sure its a nice city to live in. MJ is one of the best GMs to interact with (just as long as you don't go psycho on him on Facebook and TMBSL). Multiple GMs would be excited to spend a day or two with him drinking alcohol and cooking pizzas.
Philadelphia 76ers as the University of Minnesota Golden Gophers
At one time, Minnesota was a competitive football team. They had such studly backs like Laurence Maroney and Marion Barber. The Philadelphia 76ers were once Atlantic Division Champions or something like that. They had one of the top picks in the creation draft and picked star center Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Coach Glen Mason was the glue to the Minnesota Golden Gopher football program. He knew how to reload and give Minnesota a decent football team to watch. Even if they most always choked big time in bowl games. Kareem Abdul Jabbar was the glue to the 76ers winning formula. Then GM inurfason realized that it wasn't that great of a formula and decided to blow it up before Kareem could test FA and maybe leave Philly that way. Minnesota finally got tired of going to bowl games and losing, so they fired coach Glen Mason. As you could imagine, both teams dropped to the bottom of the standings. One on purpose and the other not on purpose. Minnesota has done a decent job rebuilding the program under multiple seizure victim Jerry Kill, but are still worried he is gonna drop dead on the field any second now. The 76ers are still rebuilding but they got one of the best picks in the draft in PG Norm Nixon so they might not be so bad off. Minnesota has one of the best mascots in the game in Goldy Gopher, and Inurfason is one of the most promising new GMs in the league as he takes on more and more responsibility.
New York Knicks as Northwestern University Wildcats
Northwestern was probably my most difficult decision mainly because I really don't know that much besides they want a CFB players union, they have Pat Fitzgerland as HC and Kain Colter used to be a QB there, and they lose to The Texas A&M University in bowl games. They might win some games they are not supposed to because they are probably more intelligent and more fundamentally sound than the other team. The New York Knicks are probably gonna win some games they are not supposed to due to young and upcoming stars such as Jason Kidd and Dave Greenwood. Has anyone ever met a Northwestern fan? Also has anyone really seen GM Skrouse around here? But the most important part. Northwestern brings fantastic academics to the B1G as one of the best colleges in the nation, like Vanderbilt does in the SEC. Skrouse's best asset to the league are his awesome annual Skrollinger (trademarked by IanBoyd) articles he provides us.
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