Post by BKay Jewelers on Sept 1, 2017 11:26:41 GMT -6
Earthly Remains
First off, I split this into two parts, since it is rather long.
Pt. I: Introduction
Today I'd like to talk about a subject that's relevant to each and every one of us, an issue we all have to confront at some point in our lives. I'd like to talk about death. Now, I know what you're thinking: what the hell, this topic is fucking cliché and boring- stop trying to be deep or morbid and write about something funny, like monkeys having sex, or public floggings. True, this might not seem like a particularly innovative concept. Throughout the centuries philosophy's great minds have grappled with the mystery surrounding death and the afterlife- what lay waiting beyond the gates of Hades and along the rivers of the Elysian Fields? Even today, most people contemplate this matter at some point or another; you might be one of them. Someone out there's probably thinking about death right now.
The problem with all this, however, is that these people (including yourself) are, well...fucking retarded. You see, I'm sure that these people have good intentions and all, but their problem is that they always get ahead of themselves. They'll ask questions like
"Do we have a soul?"
"Is there another existence after death?"
"If there is, do we all go to the same place?"
Whoa! Slow down there, champ- haven't you forgotten something? You can't start on something new without getting rid of the old stuff that's taking up space first. You don’t keep going to the supermarket without cleaning out your fridge once in a while and throwing all the nasty stuff five weeks past its expiration date into a garbage bag, do you? It's unpleasant business, but it has to be taken care of one way or another; out with the old, then in with the new. And for the metaphorically challenged among you, I'm talking about your corpse. Your dead body, your cadaver, your terrestrial remnants- whatever you want to call it, it requires your attention and consideration. Really, what we’re talking about are the ultimate leftovers. You lived your life, now here’s the crap that’s left just sitting there. Before you start to think about what you'll be doing in the next life, think about how you're going to get rid of the moldy, rotting trash you'll leave in this one. That's my philosophy anyway; take things a step at a time, you know? Oddly enough, though, I've noticed that this area is surprisingly devoid of any creativity.
Let me explain. In this country, almost no task is so obscure or unimportant that consumers aren't offered a wide variety of selections, in order to satisfy every particular need or aesthetic. You can choose from 40 different flavors of ice cream, thousands of ring tones for your cell phone, and 20 different shades of the same color to paint your house. You can even pick between 4 DVDs for the same movie (regular, widescreen, special edition, super-tinfoil case-widescreen-limited-collectible-edition with poster of the entire cast having an orgy in a tub of Jell-O by the side of the highway: The Director's Cut.
So why is it that when it comes to the disposal of their bodies, people are at a total loss for originality? Shouldn't your exit from our world be the ultimate expression of who you are? Traits like individuality and diversity are cornerstone values in our society, but when it comes to this one issue, we pretty much throw all that out the window because we’re too scared to consider our options and what’s best for ourselves. Why?! It boggles my mind, and I think it should boggle yours as well…
Is it boggled yet?
I think people deserve better. They deserve to have their bodies disposed of in a way that reflects who they are as an individual, and which caters to their unique style and personality. So, as a free public service I've decided to list several fun, interesting ways you folks at home can discard your bodies once you're through using them. I'll also throw in the pros and cons of each method to make the arduous decision a little easier. Just make sure to inform your next of kin of your plans- wouldn't want your uninformed family members unceremoniously stuffing you into a paper bag and lobbing it into a wood chipper, would you?
Pt. II: The List
1. Burial
Admittedly this isn’t the most creative way to go, but it’s important to start with the basics. Most people don’t bother to explore the alternatives and opt for a traditional funeral that ends with the lowering of the casket, but is the ‘ol 6-feet-under treatment the right option for you? Read on to find out
Pros
+Here’s an idea for a fun prank. Bury yourself with a few giant sequoia seeds in your pocket, making sure there’s a few cracks in your coffin for them to slip through. Then wait about 100 years. People will freak out when they see a 150 ft. tall redwood where your gravesite used to be, but the real fun starts when every casket within a 40-foot radius gets upturned by the tree’s massive roots.
+Scared of grave robbers? Don’t be! Bury yourself with a small motion-sensitive C4 explosive. If those bastards want the 46 cents left in your wallet, make sure they don’t walk away with the satisfaction of having their vital organs and appendages intact.
+Alternatively, rig a hidden tape player with a motion sensor and record it to play “What foolish mortal dares disturb my slumber?! Now I shall prey upon your wretched souls in the depths of HELL!!!” The fiends won’t lose any body parts, but they will shit their pants, and that’s just as good (maybe better).
Cons
-If there was a screw-up and you’re actually still alive, escape is possible if you can dig your way out of it. While most people would consider this a pro, I'm listing it as a con. Why? If you're so fucking oblivious that people can seal you inside a dark coffin and drop it six feet below ground without you saying a word, odds are you deserve to die. “Comatose” or “knocked unconscious” my ass- you’re just a stupid fucker, the end.
-Cemeteries are becoming increasingly crowded, which drives up costs. Before long the only place most of us will be able to afford a burial is under a dumpster behind McDonald’s, next to the used soda tanks and discarded Happy Meal toys. If you find the prospect of being laid to rest under a sack Spiderman figurines appealing, burial may be the choice for you!
-If you forget the C4 mine, those grave-robbing pricks might steal your 46 cents after all.
-It’s boooooring. The bottom line is that burial sucks, and there’s not a whole lot of ways to have fun with it, so let's move on....
2. Cremation
Looking for something a little flashier? Cremation might be just the thing. Nothing says optimism for the afterlife like a giant fire consuming your flesh.
Pros
Pt. II: The List
1. Burial
Admittedly this isn’t the most creative way to go, but it’s important to start with the basics. Most people don’t bother to explore the alternatives and opt for a traditional funeral that ends with the lowering of the casket, but is the ‘ol 6-feet-under treatment the right option for you? Read on to find out
Pros
+Here’s an idea for a fun prank. Bury yourself with a few giant sequoia seeds in your pocket, making sure there’s a few cracks in your coffin for them to slip through. Then wait about 100 years. People will freak out when they see a 150 ft. tall redwood where your gravesite used to be, but the real fun starts when every casket within a 40-foot radius gets upturned by the tree’s massive roots.
+Scared of grave robbers? Don’t be! Bury yourself with a small motion-sensitive C4 explosive. If those bastards want the 46 cents left in your wallet, make sure they don’t walk away with the satisfaction of having their vital organs and appendages intact.
+Alternatively, rig a hidden tape player with a motion sensor and record it to play “What foolish mortal dares disturb my slumber?! Now I shall prey upon your wretched souls in the depths of HELL!!!” The fiends won’t lose any body parts, but they will shit their pants, and that’s just as good (maybe better).
Cons
-If there was a screw-up and you’re actually still alive, escape is possible if you can dig your way out of it. While most people would consider this a pro, I'm listing it as a con. Why? If you're so fucking oblivious that people can seal you inside a dark coffin and drop it six feet below ground without you saying a word, odds are you deserve to die. “Comatose” or “knocked unconscious” my ass- you’re just a stupid fucker, the end.
-Cemeteries are becoming increasingly crowded, which drives up costs. Before long the only place most of us will be able to afford a burial is under a dumpster behind McDonald’s, next to the used soda tanks and discarded Happy Meal toys. If you find the prospect of being laid to rest under a sack Spiderman figurines appealing, burial may be the choice for you!
-If you forget the C4 mine, those grave-robbing pricks might steal your 46 cents after all.
-It’s boooooring. The bottom line is that burial sucks, and there’s not a whole lot of ways to have fun with it, so let's move on....
2. Cremation
Looking for something a little flashier? Cremation might be just the thing. Nothing says optimism for the afterlife like a giant fire consuming your flesh.
Pros
+If you wanna go out with a bang, cremate yourself, the stuff the ashes into a set of bottle rockets and have a fireworks show. Just follow this simple diagram:
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+Suppose that, by some horrible tragedy, you and a group of your amigos all bite the dust at the time. Don’t sweat it! If your bodies are still intact, there’s still one last chance to enjoy your camaraderie. Just line yourselves up in a row and see whose cremation makes the biggest, most kick-ass bonfire! The winner’s next of kin gets a beer. Why let a silly little thing like death ruin the spirit of friendly competition?
+Try to start eating lots of boiled cabbage and bean burritos when you feel the specter of death closing in on you. Once you die, this’ll result in an extra-fiery, extra-tasty cremation experience. (Hint: you can also use this technique to cheat in Pro #2)
Cons
-If you live in a crowded city, there's not many places to start a fire while being discreet about it. A backyard’ll work, but those of you with apartments are gonna have to be extra careful. Try having the ceremony on a nearby sidewalk, but make sure that no one calls the fire marshal, that the homeless don’t gather to use you as a source of warmth, and that stray dogs don’t steal pieces off your cooked remains.
-If it starts to rain while you’re already burning, the whole thing’s pretty much fucked. Bring an umbrella just to be safe.
That's about it for cons. Cremation is awesome, and there’s not a whole lotta ways to go wrong. Just stay away from gas leaks and you should be fine.
3. Tossed into the Ocean
This one’s meant mostly for your Navy and sailor-types, but really it’s appropriate for anyone with a passion for all things nautical. One reminder: the human body floats. To get the full benefits of this method, you’re going to have to carefully rig your body with a series of weights; make them heavy enough to sink below the surface, but still light enough that the swift ocean currents can move you wherever they please. Test it out at your local community pool first before taking the final dip in the ocean, and pay no attention to the screaming onlookers; they’re just jealous of your (my) awesome idea.
Pros
+Scare the shit out of submarines.
+You can cause quite a ruckus by washing up on a crowded beach. A good prank is to wear a pirate costume and tie a bottle with a paper inside around your ankle. People will open the bottle expecting a treasure map or a cryptic hint to some grand swashbuckling adventure. But really, it’s a fake suicide note explaining that you killed yourself to keep your loved ones safe from your case of Caribbean Sailor’s Flu (hence the pirate getup), an incredibly rare, incurable disease that’s highly contagious and causes massive organ hemorrhage. Whoever opens it- and everyone nearby- will be dying of belly laughs (or belly rupture, as far as they know) on their way to the hospital. If you’re really lucky, the whole metropolitan area will get in on the joke, and the laughs will reach epidemic proportions. Get it? Lol!
+You could show up in one of those "Wonders of the Sea"-type specials they air on the Discovery Channel. Think of the fame- you’ll be the most adored rotting, vacuous shell of a human being since this guy:
(You thought I was gonna go for a cheap celebrity joke, didn’t you?)
+If you had actually preferred to be cremated, but your relatives wouldn't go for it, maybe you'll get lucky and drift into a burning oil spill.
+You get to travel all over the world. Think of it as one last cruise- all expenses paid!
Cons
-...or you could get snagged on a rock at the bottom of the ocean for all eternity. It’s a gamble.
-Ultimately, you have no way of knowing where the ocean currents will take you. You’re in for some rough times if your carcass washes ashore at the Sunnyvale Beachside Clinic for Recovering Necrophiliacs.
-The sea is an unpredictable mistress; allow me to present an inopportune scenario. One minute, you’re floating along minding your own business, when out of nowhere you find yourself caught in a fierce tropical storm. It tosses you around violently and quickly dismembers your ragged corpse. Two weeks later, your severed left arm gets snagged by fishing net, and is consequently processed into canned tuna.
-The oceans are teeming with an unbelievably diverse assortment of sea creatures. Unfortunately, some of them may lack a basic sense of reverence for your drifting remains. You could get eaten by a whale, shit on by manatees, or much, much worse. Suddenly, all that tentacle-rape hentai you spanked off to isn't so hot when you’re getting the same treatment courtesy of a giant squid.
-Sadly, each year the ocean is tarnished with ever-rising amounts of pollution and toxic refuse. It won’t be much fun if the EPA finds your sludgy ass covered in industrial waste, with candy wrappers and 6-pack soda rings creeping into every orifice. Imagine your embarrassment!
4. Launched Into the Sun (2001 theme optional)
Perhaps you plan on amassing a large personal fortune by the time you die, or maybe you think that society will develop efficient, affordable space travel within the next 50 years. Well, whatever naïve bullcrap you believe in, a one-way trip straight into the scorching center of the galaxy is worth considering. Read on to see if you have what it takes to find your final resting place out on the final frontier.
Pros
+Glue a magnifying glass to the top of your spacecraft. As you approach the sun, your lifelong dream of owning your very own mega death-ray will finally become reality.
+Bring a satellite dish with you, I’ll bet you’ll get awesome reception. Oh wait…
+Take a few boxfuls of Kidz Bop CDs with you, and make the world you leave behind a better place (everyone knows that Kidz Bop CDs totally suck and are also “gay”).
+Another prank idea, this one’s on the intrepid astronauts aboard the International Space Station, people who probably could use a laugh. Trust me, it’s worth the detour.
1. Put on a post-apocalyptic “Mad Max”-type outfit
2. Have a note that reads “HUMANITY IS DOOMED” nailed to your forehead.
3. Now, hope to God that all forms of communication to Earth break down the day you arrive at the station.
Just think of the barrel of laughs the crew will have when they finally re-establish contact with Earth and figure out the whole thing was a hoax. Well, if they don't abandon all hope and jump into the lifeless blackness of space first that is.
+Wanna show your disdain for tax-guzzling government-sponsored space exploration? Send a strong message via the Hubble telescope:
Cons
-Like it or not, this will probably turn out to be a one of the costliest ways to dispose of your body. For a cheaper alternative, consider trying a catapult. Hey, it might work...or you could end up burned in the atmosphere. Or, most likely, smooshed against a rock.
-Alien life forms could intercept your spacecraft, and consequently dissect you into little pieces for scientific study, then use your scrotum to play hacky-sack (little known fact: aliens love hacky-sack).
-Two words: engine trouble. If your ship malfunctions, you could be doomed to float endlessly in through the blackness of space until a wayward asteroid knocks you out of existence. Not the most majestic way to go out. Alternatively, you could crash-land on the moon. Miss the big golden sun for the small silver moon: looks like even in death you have to settle for second place, you fucking loser.
5. Scarecrow
If none of these other options seem appealing to you, consider taking a posthumous job in our country’s thriving agricultural industry. All you need are two beams to prop you up and a little formaldehyde to prevent unsightly rotting.
Pros
+You'll get lots of sunshine. That's good for your complexion.
+If your field's next to a retirement center, you can serve as a friendly reminder to your elderly neighbors that his or her bleak, inescapable demise is fast approaching. With a little luck, you might even inspire some of them to start considering their own post-mortem career options!
+You get one last chance to be a productive member of the community. Why work hard and contribute to society when you can be a fat lazy douchebag and pay your dues after ya die?
+You can specify in your will the outfit that your scarecrow-corpse will wear. Think of it as one last chance to express your creativity. Sure, a straw hat and overalls are the norm, but don’t you owe it to yourself to think of something a little more terrifying and a little less…lame? Imagine the giant collective shit those feathery suckers will take the second they lay their eyes on a scarecrow dressed like Darth Vader or Batman.
Cons
-Nobody’s perfect, and a few birds are bound to sneak their way in. Worse, they might even attack you and peck out your eyeballs. Then how are you gonna watch over the field?
-You get paraded around like an idiot during Thanksgiving, as a reminder to be thankful for a bountiful harvest and all that other crap. On the bright side, you do get to scare small children.
-You risk being stolen or vandalized by the local youth. There’s not a whole lot for high school kids to do out in the country, so those mischievous delinquents will try anything for fun, from shooting paintballs all over your Batman costume to putting you in a dress and hauling you to prom.
-It’s good work, but only if you can find it. Technology has rendered things like small family farms and scarecrows obsolete, limiting their prevalence to small rural communities. On most modern farms, you’d probably get torn to shreds by a drunken farmhand working the industrial combine.
-You’ll be a target for discrimination. People will unfairly assume that you took your new job because you’re an uneducated peasant who lacks a brain, all thanks to that stupid cocksucker from The Wizard of Oz.
So, in light of all this, you might be wondering what I plan to do with myself after my own death. Well I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. And to be honest, I'm not in the mood for the long decision-making process that would follow.
+Suppose that, by some horrible tragedy, you and a group of your amigos all bite the dust at the time. Don’t sweat it! If your bodies are still intact, there’s still one last chance to enjoy your camaraderie. Just line yourselves up in a row and see whose cremation makes the biggest, most kick-ass bonfire! The winner’s next of kin gets a beer. Why let a silly little thing like death ruin the spirit of friendly competition?
+Try to start eating lots of boiled cabbage and bean burritos when you feel the specter of death closing in on you. Once you die, this’ll result in an extra-fiery, extra-tasty cremation experience. (Hint: you can also use this technique to cheat in Pro #2)
Cons
-If you live in a crowded city, there's not many places to start a fire while being discreet about it. A backyard’ll work, but those of you with apartments are gonna have to be extra careful. Try having the ceremony on a nearby sidewalk, but make sure that no one calls the fire marshal, that the homeless don’t gather to use you as a source of warmth, and that stray dogs don’t steal pieces off your cooked remains.
-If it starts to rain while you’re already burning, the whole thing’s pretty much fucked. Bring an umbrella just to be safe.
That's about it for cons. Cremation is awesome, and there’s not a whole lotta ways to go wrong. Just stay away from gas leaks and you should be fine.
3. Tossed into the Ocean
This one’s meant mostly for your Navy and sailor-types, but really it’s appropriate for anyone with a passion for all things nautical. One reminder: the human body floats. To get the full benefits of this method, you’re going to have to carefully rig your body with a series of weights; make them heavy enough to sink below the surface, but still light enough that the swift ocean currents can move you wherever they please. Test it out at your local community pool first before taking the final dip in the ocean, and pay no attention to the screaming onlookers; they’re just jealous of your (my) awesome idea.
Pros
+Scare the shit out of submarines.
+You can cause quite a ruckus by washing up on a crowded beach. A good prank is to wear a pirate costume and tie a bottle with a paper inside around your ankle. People will open the bottle expecting a treasure map or a cryptic hint to some grand swashbuckling adventure. But really, it’s a fake suicide note explaining that you killed yourself to keep your loved ones safe from your case of Caribbean Sailor’s Flu (hence the pirate getup), an incredibly rare, incurable disease that’s highly contagious and causes massive organ hemorrhage. Whoever opens it- and everyone nearby- will be dying of belly laughs (or belly rupture, as far as they know) on their way to the hospital. If you’re really lucky, the whole metropolitan area will get in on the joke, and the laughs will reach epidemic proportions. Get it? Lol!
+You could show up in one of those "Wonders of the Sea"-type specials they air on the Discovery Channel. Think of the fame- you’ll be the most adored rotting, vacuous shell of a human being since this guy:
(You thought I was gonna go for a cheap celebrity joke, didn’t you?)
+If you had actually preferred to be cremated, but your relatives wouldn't go for it, maybe you'll get lucky and drift into a burning oil spill.
+You get to travel all over the world. Think of it as one last cruise- all expenses paid!
Cons
-...or you could get snagged on a rock at the bottom of the ocean for all eternity. It’s a gamble.
-Ultimately, you have no way of knowing where the ocean currents will take you. You’re in for some rough times if your carcass washes ashore at the Sunnyvale Beachside Clinic for Recovering Necrophiliacs.
-The sea is an unpredictable mistress; allow me to present an inopportune scenario. One minute, you’re floating along minding your own business, when out of nowhere you find yourself caught in a fierce tropical storm. It tosses you around violently and quickly dismembers your ragged corpse. Two weeks later, your severed left arm gets snagged by fishing net, and is consequently processed into canned tuna.
-The oceans are teeming with an unbelievably diverse assortment of sea creatures. Unfortunately, some of them may lack a basic sense of reverence for your drifting remains. You could get eaten by a whale, shit on by manatees, or much, much worse. Suddenly, all that tentacle-rape hentai you spanked off to isn't so hot when you’re getting the same treatment courtesy of a giant squid.
-Sadly, each year the ocean is tarnished with ever-rising amounts of pollution and toxic refuse. It won’t be much fun if the EPA finds your sludgy ass covered in industrial waste, with candy wrappers and 6-pack soda rings creeping into every orifice. Imagine your embarrassment!
4. Launched Into the Sun (2001 theme optional)
Perhaps you plan on amassing a large personal fortune by the time you die, or maybe you think that society will develop efficient, affordable space travel within the next 50 years. Well, whatever naïve bullcrap you believe in, a one-way trip straight into the scorching center of the galaxy is worth considering. Read on to see if you have what it takes to find your final resting place out on the final frontier.
Pros
+Glue a magnifying glass to the top of your spacecraft. As you approach the sun, your lifelong dream of owning your very own mega death-ray will finally become reality.
+Bring a satellite dish with you, I’ll bet you’ll get awesome reception. Oh wait…
+Take a few boxfuls of Kidz Bop CDs with you, and make the world you leave behind a better place (everyone knows that Kidz Bop CDs totally suck and are also “gay”).
+Another prank idea, this one’s on the intrepid astronauts aboard the International Space Station, people who probably could use a laugh. Trust me, it’s worth the detour.
1. Put on a post-apocalyptic “Mad Max”-type outfit
2. Have a note that reads “HUMANITY IS DOOMED” nailed to your forehead.
3. Now, hope to God that all forms of communication to Earth break down the day you arrive at the station.
Just think of the barrel of laughs the crew will have when they finally re-establish contact with Earth and figure out the whole thing was a hoax. Well, if they don't abandon all hope and jump into the lifeless blackness of space first that is.
+Wanna show your disdain for tax-guzzling government-sponsored space exploration? Send a strong message via the Hubble telescope:
Cons
-Like it or not, this will probably turn out to be a one of the costliest ways to dispose of your body. For a cheaper alternative, consider trying a catapult. Hey, it might work...or you could end up burned in the atmosphere. Or, most likely, smooshed against a rock.
-Alien life forms could intercept your spacecraft, and consequently dissect you into little pieces for scientific study, then use your scrotum to play hacky-sack (little known fact: aliens love hacky-sack).
-Two words: engine trouble. If your ship malfunctions, you could be doomed to float endlessly in through the blackness of space until a wayward asteroid knocks you out of existence. Not the most majestic way to go out. Alternatively, you could crash-land on the moon. Miss the big golden sun for the small silver moon: looks like even in death you have to settle for second place, you fucking loser.
5. Scarecrow
If none of these other options seem appealing to you, consider taking a posthumous job in our country’s thriving agricultural industry. All you need are two beams to prop you up and a little formaldehyde to prevent unsightly rotting.
Pros
+You'll get lots of sunshine. That's good for your complexion.
+If your field's next to a retirement center, you can serve as a friendly reminder to your elderly neighbors that his or her bleak, inescapable demise is fast approaching. With a little luck, you might even inspire some of them to start considering their own post-mortem career options!
+You get one last chance to be a productive member of the community. Why work hard and contribute to society when you can be a fat lazy douchebag and pay your dues after ya die?
+You can specify in your will the outfit that your scarecrow-corpse will wear. Think of it as one last chance to express your creativity. Sure, a straw hat and overalls are the norm, but don’t you owe it to yourself to think of something a little more terrifying and a little less…lame? Imagine the giant collective shit those feathery suckers will take the second they lay their eyes on a scarecrow dressed like Darth Vader or Batman.
Cons
-Nobody’s perfect, and a few birds are bound to sneak their way in. Worse, they might even attack you and peck out your eyeballs. Then how are you gonna watch over the field?
-You get paraded around like an idiot during Thanksgiving, as a reminder to be thankful for a bountiful harvest and all that other crap. On the bright side, you do get to scare small children.
-You risk being stolen or vandalized by the local youth. There’s not a whole lot for high school kids to do out in the country, so those mischievous delinquents will try anything for fun, from shooting paintballs all over your Batman costume to putting you in a dress and hauling you to prom.
-It’s good work, but only if you can find it. Technology has rendered things like small family farms and scarecrows obsolete, limiting their prevalence to small rural communities. On most modern farms, you’d probably get torn to shreds by a drunken farmhand working the industrial combine.
-You’ll be a target for discrimination. People will unfairly assume that you took your new job because you’re an uneducated peasant who lacks a brain, all thanks to that stupid cocksucker from The Wizard of Oz.
So, in light of all this, you might be wondering what I plan to do with myself after my own death. Well I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. And to be honest, I'm not in the mood for the long decision-making process that would follow.
