Post by Lazy Pete on Dec 18, 2017 15:35:03 GMT -6
Handsome Pete
PF
25
7'1"
290
University of South Carolina
A- C D+ A- B C
Handsome Pete was a middling guard for most of his collegiate career, unable to really shoot from distance or keep up with the quicker guards that flitted around the perimeter and darted through screens. After a day half-listening to his history professor drone on about a monster from the ancient Roman times who occasionally dabbled in tinkering and witchcraft, he decided to pop by the student union for a quick bite. He checked his carolina cash balance and saw that his funds were dangerously low, so he did what any reasonable college aged kid would do: he decided to consult the Zoltar machine that had mysteriously popped up in the student union that day.
"What is it that you wish?" asked the machine. Pete thought deeply, furrowing his handsome brow and pondering the question. "I wish for a million more wishes", responded Pete. Stunned by the gambit, the Zoltar machine sat still with its mouth agape. It had been bested! A small card spat out from the machine with a counter for 1,000,000 wishes. He flipped it over and saw an unfamiliar logo and a signature stamped on the back, but he could only make out the beginning letters of the names, A and H.
That's a mystery for another day, thought Handsome Pete. Now armed with a million wishes, he began work on fulfilling his dream of a professional basketball career.
"I wish for the size of a young Shaquille O'Neal!", he said, and the wish was granted.
"I wish for the post moves of Hakeem Olajuwon!", he said, and the wish was granted.
"I wish for the shot blocking of Dikembe Mutombo!", he said, and the wish was granted.
"I wish for the strength of George McGinnis!", he said, and the wish was granted.
Handsome Pete felt the sudden jolt of energy as he grew a foot taller, much stronger, and his leaping ability, timing and footwork suddenly became sublime! His heart raced as he thought of the possibilities, and he excitedly rattled off more wishes to the machine.
"I wish for the rebounding skills of a middle aged Marcin Gortat!" he said, which confused the Zoltar machine because it seems like there could've been several other better choices, but he shrugged his shoulders and made it happen anyway, because a wish is a wish.
"I wish for the jump shot of Andre Miller!" he said, which really seemed like a weird way to go, but he was on a roll now and there was no time to think these things through. The Zoltar machine did its thing, and Handsome Pete was suddenly a decent FT shooter but not much of a threat from distance.
And then, much like the story of Icarus, Handsome Pete flew too closely to the sun. After getting sidetracked on a run of wishes to grant himself the ability to play the piano, fix the deficit, AND come up with a satisfying end to the series LOST, Handsome Pete decided he could do the world a solid and wished to go back in time only long enough to execute the most dastardly man in all of history, one of the greatest genocidal maniacs of all time, one ruler who everyone agrees the world would have been better off without: Attila the Hun.
Pete was then transported to the year 434, to a tent outside of the coronation ceremony of Attila shortly before he was officially named as ruler of the Huns. Attila was tinkering with a large wooden box as Pete, brandishing a pistol, stepped into the tent. "This is for the Eastern Roman Empire!" he shouted. Attila turned from his work and came face to face with his own doom.
As Pete began to fade back into his own time, he looked around the tent and noticed a symbol with which he had only recently become acquainted. "The card!", he thought, and pulled the wish counter out of his pocket. It was fading away as the room around him was, but he could finally make out the name of the signature. Attila the Hun.
He was suddenly back in the student union, staring at a spot that seemed like the perfect place for a Zoltar machine. He looked down at the card and saw only blank space where the wishes used to be. If only he had paid attention in class! At least he was still giant and had picked up some hoops skills. Maybe it was the satisfaction of knowing exactly how LOST should've ended, but Pete was alright with how things turned out.
PF
25
7'1"
290
University of South Carolina
A- C D+ A- B C
Handsome Pete was a middling guard for most of his collegiate career, unable to really shoot from distance or keep up with the quicker guards that flitted around the perimeter and darted through screens. After a day half-listening to his history professor drone on about a monster from the ancient Roman times who occasionally dabbled in tinkering and witchcraft, he decided to pop by the student union for a quick bite. He checked his carolina cash balance and saw that his funds were dangerously low, so he did what any reasonable college aged kid would do: he decided to consult the Zoltar machine that had mysteriously popped up in the student union that day.
"What is it that you wish?" asked the machine. Pete thought deeply, furrowing his handsome brow and pondering the question. "I wish for a million more wishes", responded Pete. Stunned by the gambit, the Zoltar machine sat still with its mouth agape. It had been bested! A small card spat out from the machine with a counter for 1,000,000 wishes. He flipped it over and saw an unfamiliar logo and a signature stamped on the back, but he could only make out the beginning letters of the names, A and H.
That's a mystery for another day, thought Handsome Pete. Now armed with a million wishes, he began work on fulfilling his dream of a professional basketball career.
"I wish for the size of a young Shaquille O'Neal!", he said, and the wish was granted.
"I wish for the post moves of Hakeem Olajuwon!", he said, and the wish was granted.
"I wish for the shot blocking of Dikembe Mutombo!", he said, and the wish was granted.
"I wish for the strength of George McGinnis!", he said, and the wish was granted.
Handsome Pete felt the sudden jolt of energy as he grew a foot taller, much stronger, and his leaping ability, timing and footwork suddenly became sublime! His heart raced as he thought of the possibilities, and he excitedly rattled off more wishes to the machine.
"I wish for the rebounding skills of a middle aged Marcin Gortat!" he said, which confused the Zoltar machine because it seems like there could've been several other better choices, but he shrugged his shoulders and made it happen anyway, because a wish is a wish.
"I wish for the jump shot of Andre Miller!" he said, which really seemed like a weird way to go, but he was on a roll now and there was no time to think these things through. The Zoltar machine did its thing, and Handsome Pete was suddenly a decent FT shooter but not much of a threat from distance.
And then, much like the story of Icarus, Handsome Pete flew too closely to the sun. After getting sidetracked on a run of wishes to grant himself the ability to play the piano, fix the deficit, AND come up with a satisfying end to the series LOST, Handsome Pete decided he could do the world a solid and wished to go back in time only long enough to execute the most dastardly man in all of history, one of the greatest genocidal maniacs of all time, one ruler who everyone agrees the world would have been better off without: Attila the Hun.
Pete was then transported to the year 434, to a tent outside of the coronation ceremony of Attila shortly before he was officially named as ruler of the Huns. Attila was tinkering with a large wooden box as Pete, brandishing a pistol, stepped into the tent. "This is for the Eastern Roman Empire!" he shouted. Attila turned from his work and came face to face with his own doom.
As Pete began to fade back into his own time, he looked around the tent and noticed a symbol with which he had only recently become acquainted. "The card!", he thought, and pulled the wish counter out of his pocket. It was fading away as the room around him was, but he could finally make out the name of the signature. Attila the Hun.
He was suddenly back in the student union, staring at a spot that seemed like the perfect place for a Zoltar machine. He looked down at the card and saw only blank space where the wishes used to be. If only he had paid attention in class! At least he was still giant and had picked up some hoops skills. Maybe it was the satisfaction of knowing exactly how LOST should've ended, but Pete was alright with how things turned out.
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