Scandal! Knix Presser Goes Horribly Awry!or
How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Never PressEmbattled New York Knicks owner cum head coach cum executive general manager James Dolan took to the lectern following what seemed a proper run of form for his self-described "cager squadron" that left them four and one half ahead of the ninth seeded Washington D.C. Bullets with five matches to play
and one in hand, but events took a turn for the surreal with alacrity as Dolan responded to repeated inquiries about the complaints of goat odor in both locker rooms and multiple concourses.
"Great question, Bill." (Ed. note: The Times has confirmed there was no one named Bill or William present at the press conference or, indeed, in the arena. "We're very happy to be in the sixth seed, or as we done hyuck call it 'round these harrrrrr parts get it I'm just like those dumb country bumpkins the super duper eighth seed! Pause for laughter."
The perplexed silence that followed was terminated by chief head coach Dolan giggling before events took a turn for the surrealler as he abruptly shouted multiple unprintables that
The New York Times would not even print in the 'comicals' section before continuing, "And whaddaya get in the Big Beastern Conference? I read the papers just like tens of tens of Americans! A first round date with Jesus Christ Herb! That's fair! That's real fair! Next question!"
Before the nonplussed nonpareil nonagenarians could return a retort, executive-for-life Dolan appeared to attempt to ape a number of classic sporting rants.
"I says to my players, I says to them I says I know we're up against it, I know the breaks are beating the boys, my boys, my giants, this is not racist, I call dibs on this not being racist, but Broderick Langhi is not walking through... you wanna talk about that door? Broderick Langhi plays to walk through the game... door! He's not gonna be able to do it! Don't talk to me about Broderick Langh-"
At this point in time in the press conference this article in this newspaper is depicting, a heretofore unidentified member of the security team named Chet attempted to preempt eternal sultan Dolan's peroration, but it was manifestly too late by half as on the third naming Broderick Langhi did in point of fact walk through that door. Dolan's panoply of panegyrics phased into panting panicky pandemonium and your intrepid reporter has confirmed with multiple independent eyewitnesses who spoke anonymously citing the ongoing investigation Dolan pooped himself.
POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP
Information from the Associated Press was used in this report 
