Post by 2poor on Jun 1, 2015 9:11:14 GMT -6
Hello and welcome to my inaugural preseason power rankings. In addition to straight rankings, I will be dividing the teams into tiers named after my pets, so that you know where the championship contenders end, where the teams that can make the playoffs end, etc. I'll update this at the halfway point of the season to see how I did.
Fiona tier
Like the dog this tier is named after, these teams turn heads. These are your powerhouse teams, they have overwhelming physical talent. These teams, like Fiona herself, have championship potential: the teams in the 3018 finals, Fiona in local agility competitions.
1. The Charlotte Hornets- We have sim decades worth of experience that prove the surest way to a title is by having crazy talent on your perimeter, and rv has more than anyone.
2. The Phoenix Suns- Number two only because I like the Moochie/Clyrese/Stanley trio more than the Oscar and Gary "Ombiguously Gay" duo.
3. The Washington Bullets- This is almost certainly the best team kn has ever assembled. That is a frightening starting 5, and he just had an all-time great draft.
4. The Kansas City Kings- Top 3 perimeter talent, and offense-averse bigs to funnel the ball to that perimeter talent. The only problem might be a baby who commands a lot of attention.
5. The Philadelphia 76ers- this may now be the league's shallowest team, but Conley/Allen/Admiral alone are enough to keep this team in the championship discussion.
6. The Brooklyn Nets- Honestly, this might be too low for the league's best defensive frontcourt, Niang, and future superstar PG William Donovan.
7. The Los Angeles Clippers- This rating is due more to last season's title than what I think of the current roster in a vacuum. I'm not sure if dirt can recapture last season's magic.
Sierra tier
Sierra is a good dog, but she has her flaws, just like these teams. She gets intimidated by strangers and dogs she doesn't know, and these teams should all be intimidated by the championship contenders.
8. The Minnesota Timberwolves- Ian upgraded his PG spot, and in doing so almost got himself a bump to Fiona tier. But he lacks the megawatt superstars that the true contenders all seem to have.
9. The Golden State Warriors- The next couple teams might have better rosters, but ocho gets a bump due to playing in a down conference.
10. The Miami Heat- I can't believe I chose to marry this team in my article only 2 seasons ago. Canes's steadfast refusal to make a move that would open his championship window as wide as possible means that it is now shut.
11. The Orlando Magic- Magic (the player) is gone, but Mihm, Shareef, and the rest mean Magic (the team) isn't falling out of the playoffs. And yes, this is already our 5th Atlantic team. That division is stacked.
12. The Houston Rockets- Andrew Harrison is a flawed point guard, but this team with Harrison still made it to the western conference finals. The Ainge trade might have been a smart long term move, but it means the Rockets probably take a step back this season.
13. The Toronto Raptors- As long as Porzingis is here, this is a team that can take basically any team the distance in a 7 game series. The rest of the roster doesn't inspire me much though. The Raptors are serving as dirt's cautionary tale this season.
14. The Milwaukee Bucks- If they had an SF better than Evan Turner, they would be higher. Trof wheels and deals with the best of them, this ranking could change a lot by midseason.
15. The Portland Trailblazers- Not entirely sure how this roster stacks up. I like a lot of the pieces, but we still have to see if duc can figure out how to make them fit.
16. The Memphis Bobcats- Harrell, Bryant, Cliff, and Turner form perhaps the league's best set of bigs. But until one of Odin's young PGs make a leap above "average" status, this team is doomed to linger in the bottom of the playoff slots.
Lemmy tier
Lemmy, aka Nick Gilbert cat, aka LemSean McCat is the dumbest cat I've ever seen in my life. She's always confused, and most of these rosters leave me confused. I'm not confident they'll make the playoffs, but I'm also not confident they'll have good lotto odds. These teams are trapped in the middle, much like how Lemmy gets trapped in closets, or the laundry hamper.
17. The Oklahoma City Thunder- Just going by the Western teams above them, I have OKC as the Western 8th seed, which is very possible now that Aaron Harrison has decided to take over the world. I'm going to guess gbg would rather spend one more year in the lottery though. TRADE ME HARRISON, GBG.
18. The Indiana Pacers- This team is just kinda sad to look at.
19. The Denver Nuggets- The butterfly effect of DJ Khalid's retirement has put banks on tilt for more than an entire season now. This is a messy roster, with no clear path to getting better, and getting worse would be ill-advised right now. Banks might want to consider a 2poor style vision quest until he has his picks back.
20. The Chicago Bulls- I thought for sure Bruns was going to tank hard this year, but then he went and got a couple top notch guards to go with that monster he has on the low block. He's going to need at least one more piece before he can truly start to make noise, but bruns is officially out of the tank.
21. The Seattle Supersonics- There are some very nice young pieces on this team. ved always seems to find these young players that will develop in the 8-14 pick round, and Herb and Ty just seem like the latest in that line. It remains to be seen if ved puts anything around the,
22. The New York Knicks- are you guys ready for another year of eric's performance art piece? Because another 30-36 wins seems predestined.
23. The Cleveland Cavaliers- This roster is just one big pile of meh. It's like kn stole whatever amount of draft talent heel once had and just added it to his own.
Ted tier
I wouldn't mind it if I could trade Ted in for another model. I'm sure the following GMs feel the same way about their teams. Ted is just a disaster, he breaks shit, he pisses all over laundry and towels left on the bathroom floor, and he reaches peak energy level at 3 AM. The rest of the league is going to treat these teams the way Ted treats an exposed bathmat.
24. The Boston Celtics- dump now has 2 wings that should score 18ppg or above, and Tyreke is now PG eligible. It's going to take all of dump's sandbagging skills to get this team good lotto odds.
25. The Los Angeles Lakers- Buster has credible players all over this roster, but he has a hot smelly garbage pile at the point.
26. The Utah Jazz- this team can straight up mash inside, but it is still devoid of guard talent.
27. The San Antonio Spurs- I believe that Stacey King, Justin Anderson, and Ronald Savage can all be important players on a winning team. This is not that winning team.
28. The Vancouver Grizzlies- druce is in the process of tearing it down, and has done a very good job of destroying this roster. There are still several players with a pulse though, and that should keep him away from best odds.
29. The Atlanta Hawks- this team has one player that can contribute to a winning team, and while that player looks like a future superstar at PG, the toxic waste dump that he is surrounded by, and the shower rape that he will be subjected to, means Atlanta will spend another year making sure rw's throne is actually a toilet.
Fiona tierLike the dog this tier is named after, these teams turn heads. These are your powerhouse teams, they have overwhelming physical talent. These teams, like Fiona herself, have championship potential: the teams in the 3018 finals, Fiona in local agility competitions.
1. The Charlotte Hornets- We have sim decades worth of experience that prove the surest way to a title is by having crazy talent on your perimeter, and rv has more than anyone.
2. The Phoenix Suns- Number two only because I like the Moochie/Clyrese/Stanley trio more than the Oscar and Gary "Ombiguously Gay" duo.
3. The Washington Bullets- This is almost certainly the best team kn has ever assembled. That is a frightening starting 5, and he just had an all-time great draft.
4. The Kansas City Kings- Top 3 perimeter talent, and offense-averse bigs to funnel the ball to that perimeter talent. The only problem might be a baby who commands a lot of attention.
5. The Philadelphia 76ers- this may now be the league's shallowest team, but Conley/Allen/Admiral alone are enough to keep this team in the championship discussion.
6. The Brooklyn Nets- Honestly, this might be too low for the league's best defensive frontcourt, Niang, and future superstar PG William Donovan.
7. The Los Angeles Clippers- This rating is due more to last season's title than what I think of the current roster in a vacuum. I'm not sure if dirt can recapture last season's magic.
Sierra tierSierra is a good dog, but she has her flaws, just like these teams. She gets intimidated by strangers and dogs she doesn't know, and these teams should all be intimidated by the championship contenders.
8. The Minnesota Timberwolves- Ian upgraded his PG spot, and in doing so almost got himself a bump to Fiona tier. But he lacks the megawatt superstars that the true contenders all seem to have.
9. The Golden State Warriors- The next couple teams might have better rosters, but ocho gets a bump due to playing in a down conference.
10. The Miami Heat- I can't believe I chose to marry this team in my article only 2 seasons ago. Canes's steadfast refusal to make a move that would open his championship window as wide as possible means that it is now shut.
11. The Orlando Magic- Magic (the player) is gone, but Mihm, Shareef, and the rest mean Magic (the team) isn't falling out of the playoffs. And yes, this is already our 5th Atlantic team. That division is stacked.
12. The Houston Rockets- Andrew Harrison is a flawed point guard, but this team with Harrison still made it to the western conference finals. The Ainge trade might have been a smart long term move, but it means the Rockets probably take a step back this season.
13. The Toronto Raptors- As long as Porzingis is here, this is a team that can take basically any team the distance in a 7 game series. The rest of the roster doesn't inspire me much though. The Raptors are serving as dirt's cautionary tale this season.
14. The Milwaukee Bucks- If they had an SF better than Evan Turner, they would be higher. Trof wheels and deals with the best of them, this ranking could change a lot by midseason.
15. The Portland Trailblazers- Not entirely sure how this roster stacks up. I like a lot of the pieces, but we still have to see if duc can figure out how to make them fit.
16. The Memphis Bobcats- Harrell, Bryant, Cliff, and Turner form perhaps the league's best set of bigs. But until one of Odin's young PGs make a leap above "average" status, this team is doomed to linger in the bottom of the playoff slots.
Lemmy tierLemmy, aka Nick Gilbert cat, aka LemSean McCat is the dumbest cat I've ever seen in my life. She's always confused, and most of these rosters leave me confused. I'm not confident they'll make the playoffs, but I'm also not confident they'll have good lotto odds. These teams are trapped in the middle, much like how Lemmy gets trapped in closets, or the laundry hamper.
17. The Oklahoma City Thunder- Just going by the Western teams above them, I have OKC as the Western 8th seed, which is very possible now that Aaron Harrison has decided to take over the world. I'm going to guess gbg would rather spend one more year in the lottery though. TRADE ME HARRISON, GBG.
18. The Indiana Pacers- This team is just kinda sad to look at.
19. The Denver Nuggets- The butterfly effect of DJ Khalid's retirement has put banks on tilt for more than an entire season now. This is a messy roster, with no clear path to getting better, and getting worse would be ill-advised right now. Banks might want to consider a 2poor style vision quest until he has his picks back.
20. The Chicago Bulls- I thought for sure Bruns was going to tank hard this year, but then he went and got a couple top notch guards to go with that monster he has on the low block. He's going to need at least one more piece before he can truly start to make noise, but bruns is officially out of the tank.
21. The Seattle Supersonics- There are some very nice young pieces on this team. ved always seems to find these young players that will develop in the 8-14 pick round, and Herb and Ty just seem like the latest in that line. It remains to be seen if ved puts anything around the,
22. The New York Knicks- are you guys ready for another year of eric's performance art piece? Because another 30-36 wins seems predestined.
23. The Cleveland Cavaliers- This roster is just one big pile of meh. It's like kn stole whatever amount of draft talent heel once had and just added it to his own.
Ted tierI wouldn't mind it if I could trade Ted in for another model. I'm sure the following GMs feel the same way about their teams. Ted is just a disaster, he breaks shit, he pisses all over laundry and towels left on the bathroom floor, and he reaches peak energy level at 3 AM. The rest of the league is going to treat these teams the way Ted treats an exposed bathmat.
24. The Boston Celtics- dump now has 2 wings that should score 18ppg or above, and Tyreke is now PG eligible. It's going to take all of dump's sandbagging skills to get this team good lotto odds.
25. The Los Angeles Lakers- Buster has credible players all over this roster, but he has a hot smelly garbage pile at the point.
26. The Utah Jazz- this team can straight up mash inside, but it is still devoid of guard talent.
27. The San Antonio Spurs- I believe that Stacey King, Justin Anderson, and Ronald Savage can all be important players on a winning team. This is not that winning team.
28. The Vancouver Grizzlies- druce is in the process of tearing it down, and has done a very good job of destroying this roster. There are still several players with a pulse though, and that should keep him away from best odds.
29. The Atlanta Hawks- this team has one player that can contribute to a winning team, and while that player looks like a future superstar at PG, the toxic waste dump that he is surrounded by, and the shower rape that he will be subjected to, means Atlanta will spend another year making sure rw's throne is actually a toilet.
